Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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