sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
