I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
