Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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