Please, let me fuck your mom
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
