Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
