at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
