Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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