I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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