Your favorite bartender is back from prision
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
