its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
