So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
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