I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
