did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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