turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
In America we eat man semen.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
