my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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