Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
