in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
