my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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