i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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