dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
