I CAN MOONWALK!
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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