She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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