i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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