i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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