I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
