Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
