dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
