Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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