you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
