I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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