I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
