he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
