did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
