You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
