I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
