Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
She's the barista slut.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
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