I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
