im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
