He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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