1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
