the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Randomize
