I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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