Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I'm getting married
To pizza
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
