I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
