worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
