shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
