Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
