and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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