Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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