3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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