Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
