i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
